Lessons in this life:Part III

Since I already wrote a letter to my younger self (basically what I would have told myself if I could go back in time) I decided to write one to my future self, this time to remind myself of where I have been or rather where I am NOW. I’m hoping I’ll remember to read this after a few years and that the outcome is more positive than negative

Dear Future Mimi,

I am glad that you got here and are reading this. Seriously, there were times I wasn’t sure you’d get here. Not because of anything in particular because I wasn’t sure I wanted you to. Don’t judge me, I’m happy you made it.

I hope you remember all that you have learnt so far. You obviously know what to do. I hope you did it or are doing/applying whatever it is that you know that I don’t know now.

Remember the time when you were planning to do all these things, learn whatever, go wherever? I pray that you have.

And now that you have, I hope you are happy and more content. I hope that you are more appreciative because you didn’t always have what you have now, didn’t always know what you know now.

I hope you don’t forget all it took you to get here. It  wasn’t always like this. Remember all the sweat, anxiety, fear, uncertainty,blood, every kind of emotion and strength that got you here.

Rejoice in every dream you have achieved Mimi, continue to fight for those yet to be realized.

Don’t forget the time when you were almost jobless, alone single and confused. The time you didn’t know whether to move in back with the parents, cut your hair, move out of the apartment you were living in or just sit and wait everything out.

I know you are happy because you didn’t wait too long to do whatever you wanted to do or go or learn or mend fences with whoever because as you now know too well how time creeps up on you…

I’m glad we had this chat.

Yours

Mimi

Strong Enough;All this time

I have always wanted someone to tell me what to do

Always hoped, desperately that you would show me the way

I didn’t think I had enough strength, or wit to do this

But I just realized

That all this time, you never did

That was all me

All my choices,my decisions

And guess what,I have been fine

All this time.

And here I was thinking, I’m not enough

I just realized

That all this while

I have always been ready

To start

Now I’m not ready anymore

Not because I’m scared,or don’t know what to do, or waiting for you

But because I AM STARTING

Its not that I know everything

But its  my finally living it, that I will learn what I need to

Because all this time I looked to you for strength

I have been strong enough

All this time

Lessons in this life:Part II

I got this idea from this discussion on 20sb which was started by this blogger

Basically the idea is to talk about what you would tell yourself ten years ago from the future .

Well, ten years ago I wasn’t even a teenager!

But here’s what I would say;

Mimi,

1. You worry too much. Really. and you can be quite dramatic at times. Don’t sweat it. Things will work out. I know it seems like your grades aren’t good enough and the friends seem to be few but trust me, they’ll be even fewer in the future so cherish the ones you have and yes, grades are important but are not everything.
2. Learn to value yourself. Trust me, that is something no one is ever going to do for you. Believe in yourself and be more confident. It’ll take you places.
3. Sign up for more school activities even if you don’t think you’re not smart or talented enough. There’s no better way to learn. Don’t give in to that fear or the tiny voice that keeps telling you that you’re not this or that
4. Your bro isn’t that bad. Seriously. I know it seems like it taking him a long time to mature but he’ll get there
5. Be more patient. You cant get everything you want NOW. Somethings take a little longer
6. Things may seems really bad sometimes, but they always work out. One way or another. At one point you’ll even forget that you were in certain  situations. But don’ t forget where you came from. And each time you feel lost or hopeless, just look back where you came from. You’ll always find your way.
7. You know you’ve always loved music. Pursue each opportunity you have to learn more about it. You have the time now, Use it. You may not always have it. And don’t be afraid to express the passion you feel even if that is not what the folks want for you.BTW, you are an awesome singer!
8. And talking about parents, dont let them control your life too much. I know you love them and want to please them but also remember that you are a different person from them and be yourself. Follow YOUR dreams.
9. You are beautiful.
10. Appreciate your family. When you grow up, you’re gonna move away and you won’t have as much time to spend with them then.Let all the people who matter to you know.
11. Don’t give your heart away too easily.Heart aches suck!
12. Don’t be such a goody-two-shoes. Live a little…
13. Stop comparing yourself to others. Especially to the ones you think are ‘better’ than you. They can NEVER be you and you them.Be the best YOU, you can be.
14. Don’t be afraid to dream. It’s part of who you are. Don’t base those dreams on what you do or don’t have either
15. You are awesome!

What would you say to your younger self?

Lessons in this life.

She and I were never close. How could we be seeing as she treated the person I love the most like a second class human being.

She took every chance she could to make us look like we weren’t raised the right way. She would critisize everything she could when she came for her ’short’ visits.

Even the help got her own portion of the misery she subjected us to.

She had this condition,illness which we were constantly made aware of . We were always reminded that she needed the utmost care. Any slacking on our part was duly noted.

But then the visits became shorter and far in between. This did not help the relationship I had with her or the one she had with my siblings.

Now the visits were just for medical check ups. Each time she came home after her doctor’s appointment , each of us took refuge in all the other rooms in the house. It was that bad.

But when she passed on, there was this cloud. Like it was over all of us.None of us(grandchildren) was ever tight with her except the ones who lived with her.

I don’t know the precise reason why I felt this emptiness and sadness.I felt really bad for my dad, this was his mother.

That was understandable.

But its like I had also lost someone that was really close to me.

Maybe it’s human.

Sometimes I wonder how it would have been if I had tried to forge a real relationship with her. I was her flesh and blood! But we all know what happens when fear grows. It turns into many ugly things…

It took her death for me to finally see her humanity. I wish it didn’t have to go to such an extreme.

I even think sometimes that she wasn’t that bad. And then sometimes I think of things that happened when I was younger and change my mind.Some of those things I have been told. Some I experienced first hand. I don’t know… It’s confusing at times.

There are people in my life right now that I’d rather keep away from. I am not wishing any harm to them and I don’t want it to be the thing that brings us together but I prefer they stay at an arms length.

Its been a few months since she passed and I’m now just realizing that there are so many things I am learning from it all, and many more I still need to learn

…aand another one of those

I hate it when I read/hear about topics such as ‘the meaning of life’,'Who am I,really?’, ‘Finding out why I’m here’…
Why, you ask?

Because somehow I’m usually taken back to one of those dark days and can easily spiral me into one.

You know, the days when you’ve tried everything and nothing is working. The days when you are completely exhausted and are back to point zero on this endless cycle you seem to be on. Your self-esteem is at minus zero and (maybe) the only thing preventing you from going totally berserk is a single strand of hope that is increasingly threatening to break at any moment.

The day you keep asking yourself the question(s)(dont make me repeat them). The days when life seems to be passing ,waving at you as she passes by. The days when you dont even wish for the strength to just hope. The days when given up is an understatement of your current state.

So today, I’ll cover my ears and pretend I didn’t hear any of it. I wont read anything that contains any of the above mentioned issues. I’ll distract myself and try to remain optimistic

Today I’ll look for every possible reason to make myself deliriously happy even if that’s not what I’m feeling.

Gratitude.
Yes that should work.
I’ll be grateful to have a family. That loves me.For the roof over my head at night.Warm meals .My recent graduation. The clothes on my back.Job.

I’ll look for every possible reason not to go down that road today.

Nice Shoes!

It was just a simple compliment.

But to me it meant a lot.

Here I was, trying to convince myself that the time had come for me to kill this passion. It has been long enough and I was fooling myself. Plus I couldn’t see my situation changing in the near future.

Of course, there would be the regret in the future but I was tired of fighting for something that was taking everything I had and giving nothing back .

Here I was torn between shelving a dream and giving it up completely .

Its weird but a simple compliment(that has nothing to do with my or anyone’s shoes!)  gave a dream a second chance.It feels as If I’m starting all over again!

I have since decided to give everything  I have to make this dream a reality.

Do you remember the last time you got a genuine compliment? Or gave one?

You never know what you might accomplish when giving a simple compliment.You may be giving hope to someone,or awakening a passion, uplifting someone’s low self confidence,or just stroking their ego.

You never know, you might just change someone’s life.

It’s not that bad

I wanted it to matter. Everything.

But still I dont have the five ‘galfriends’ (damn that sitcom), and didn’t graduate with a first class,I dont have “the job” I wanted right after graduation or live in a place where privacy is not a luxury

And guess what, I’m here, alive and breathing. I dont know why all this time I thought if I didn’t have all these things then my life would be over.Somehow I thought I needed them to be someone.

I dont.

I am here without all these things and not “affected” in any way!

I’m not saying I wanted the finest things in life, just what i thought was basic for me to ’survive’ . But I made it this far didn’t I?

If anything, I’m starting to get the hang of living alone, and loving it! I have all this space to myself,eat whatever, do the dishes and laundry whenever. I know I don’t want anything to disrupt that, for now. I should say it’s working out pretty well!

That was my vanity list. What’s yours?